The hormones are kicking in! :0

We went to the American Museum of Natural History yesterday and I started to cry three times.

Cry 1 – looking at the anteater in the North American Mammal Display

Cry 2 – walking through the dinosaurs, started thinking about the fact they are extinct

Cry 3 – in the midst of the Techno Sonic Vision “movie”.

I kid you not folks….these are the actual incidents that made me tear up. You can’t make this crap up.

I seemed to have recovered temporarily, but who knows when they will strike again.

On the other side of the coin, if you get a chance to see either the Horse exhibit at the Museum or the Sonic Vision movie at the Space Center – do it.  Both were great!

There is an artist that creates bronze and driftwood sculpture of horses, her name is Deborah Butterfield. It’s worth it just to see her sculpture of her own horse at the end. I did not cry over it, but was awed. Then again, that could be the drugs also.

Judge for yourself….It’s much more impressive in person

Yup…had my first major meltdown today. I just don’t think this worked. And I don’t know what to do. I’m scared, nervous, upset – you name it.

Went to Mass this morning and started crying almost right away. Kept asking God to give me a sign as to what I should do. And what does He give me? An impromptu children’s chorus….:(

What am I supposed to do with that? I don’t even know. Does this mean I should keep trying? Do I really take the chance of stimming and hyperstimming again? I still don’t know the answer. I only know I came home and my darling husband asked me if I was okay, and that just set me off again. I know part of it is all the meds, but I just don’t know what to do. I’m going to be 43 in two weeks…is it really worth it for me to keep doing this?

Then I meet up with my friend at the park to walk the dogs and her beautiful baby girl is so happy to see me. And she’s so pretty and happy and I wonder why am I not allowed to have this. What did I do that was so bad that I get to spend four friggin years trying to get pregnant, only to lose my son at five months. And now I get to try all over again. I just don’t understand it. I have tried to stay positive most of the time, but every so often it catches up to me and I can’t do it anymore. I just want to break down and cry all over again. And my poor husband doesn’t know what to do for me. I know he feels helpless and there really is nothing he can do. I just wish there were a way to make this end – one way or the other.

Maybe I should call it quits and accept that we aren’t going to have a child. Maybe I should just be happy with my husband and my animals. Why is it that I just don’t feel that it’s enough. Other people would be happy to have a good life like I do….I should be thankful and instead I am looking for more. It’s just too difficult sometimes. Today is definitely NOT a good day.

Hopefully, tomorrow I’ll wake up with a clearer mind about the whole thing.