Since I can’t seem to update every day or so, I’ll settle for every week…

Anyway, had a week full of visitors this past week, which truly helps the time go by. Just a few hours passes so quickly when you have visitors and then before you know it, the day is almost over.

Gave myself a good scare this past Monday. Was taking a shower and felt some kind of pressure in my cervix so I called the OB. They told me to come right down and they would check it out. He took me right in and did an internal…cervix was closed, stitch holding. He did send me to labor and delivery to be monitored for a couple hours. Everything seems to be okay.

I went back to him for a regular visit on Friday and all seems to be well. Although he didn’t do an internal this time since he doesn’t want to increase any risk of infection.

Wednesday is 24 weeks…BabyMack is viable at that point….it’s so nervewracking trying to get to this day…

Thursday, I go back to the Perinatologist for steroid shots and a cervix check. Hopefully, all has stayed the same…that’s all I can pray for at this point.

Mom is about the same…she is living on the feeding tube right now. We are hoping that that might change in the future, but for now we’ll take what we can get. I haven’t seen her since the bedrest started and honestly don’ t know when I am going to see her again.

And since I have to post Misty pics every time…here’s one of her sleeping on me….

Hallmark holiday that it is, I still get a little mushy about it!

My updates are as follows:

Last official day at my job of 23 years was yesterday. I start a new job on Tuesday….scary yet exciting!! I’ll still be working the  old place on the weekends until I go on bedrest, but no more weekday working….I’m very excited about the new job, just worried that my preggo brain is going to have a hard time absorbing all this new info.

Went to the OB yesterday for my followup on the cerclage. Everything looks good. Heard the creatures heartbeat again, talked about the amnio (I’m going to wait until I go on bedrest to do it since I don’t want to terminate anyway). Talked about cord blood banking, oddly my OB doesn’t think it’s the greatest idea – or maybe that’s because I told her we wouldn’t have the money for it anyway. Not with me being out of work for 6 months. Talked about the risk of Down’s and she said not to worry too much, that even with odds of 1 in 7 it’s still pretty good that the baby won’t have DS. And that was about it.

Got a flat tire on Thursday night, so I had to leave the OB and go get a new tire for the truck….thankfully, the new job is only five minutes away so I won’t be having as much car issues as I usually do.

And lastly….a Valentines Pic from Misty-Moo!!!!

Beta was at 3800 on Saturday which is a good number, means things are progressing nicely. I have to go back this coming Friday (the 19th) for another beta and then on the 29th I go for a sono to see if the embie/baby has a heartbeat. That will be the biggie.

California was really nice. We spent most of our time with family, but we did get some driving time on the PCH in. It’s very pretty out there…but also wayyy too expensive for my taste. I’m a poor person…and I’m not sure I’d even want to be that wealthy. But it was great seeing family – we haven’t seen them since the summer.  BTW, for all the people who think the Santa Monica Pier is something they have to see – don’t waste your time. It’s an arcade and fair – no more, no less. If you go to the pier, go to see the seals, cormorants and grebes(light colored cormorant looking birds).  And the scenery…

Had a Christmas party at my house with all my local “Infertility Friends” and we had a great time. I had a house full of kids ranging in age from 6 months to 5 years and it was so much fun. Although, after 7 hours I guess Misty had had enough and she nipped at the 5 year old. I’m not happy about it, but his mother was great and totally understood that the dog was tired and just reacted to him running by. I was really upset cuz she had been really good with the kids all day….I never expected that at the end of the night. She didn’t even break skin, but it was enough to disturb me.

In other news, my sister just announced that she is pregnant. If all goes well, we will be due within two weeks of each other. I can honestly say that at first I was a little angry and/or jealous, but I seem to have gotten past it and am thinking how great it will be that these cousins will be so close in age and get to grow up together. I remember how much fun I used to have with the cousins who were around my age and I really think this is going to be a good thing.

And that’s all I got…..I now have to go back to working on my Christmas Dinner menu. We have 13 people coming over and I’m thinking of doing a crown roast of pork for dinner.

Oh and some pics from Santa Monica!

Saturday morning and the drugs are driving me insane already.

I don’t know which is worse – the progesterone cramping or the estrace nauseau…either way I can’t stand it.

On the upside, we are going to Cali in two weeks!! Soooooooo exciting!!! We are going to visit hubby’s sister and family in Santa Monica and I really can’t wait. First, because I really miss them and want to see them. Second, cuz I’ve never been to Cali and can’t wait to see the other coast!! So, it’s very exciting stuff.

Misty’s still sort of off…and I really should be taking her for her shots today. Not sure what I’m going to do about that. She’s farting like a madman and although her stool was semi-normal yesterday, I haven’t checked todays yet. Why, oh why do dogs have to eat crap that’s in or on the ground for extended periods of time?!

In even sadder news (I’m just a happy piglet aren’t I?), a man was trampled in a WalMart on LI yesterday. And I cannot fathom how crass, rude and boorish our society has become that a person’s life is worth saving $5 on a Christmas gift. I just can’t figure it out…When did we become these monsters? How does noone care about another persons welfare at all. How do you see people knock someone over and stomp all over him and just join the throng and not try to help. Then there’s someone who videotaped the police trying to resuscitate him and was laughing…how do you laugh at another persons’ death? Yeah…Merry Christmas Everyone. Thankfully, I was working and will be working today…I have no interest in dealing with the mobs at the stores this weekend. No bargain is that important, people will just get less for Christmas.

Some lady in the Target parking lot crushed a shopping cart into my car with hers and then tried to run me over when I went over to her car. Another woman saw it and got her info for me…when the cop got there he told me that because she didn’t hit my car directly it had to be filed as property damage and I could fix it, then go after her in small claims court.

First of all, I’m never getting my money back…second of all I don’t need this just as the holidays are starting. I really hate people sometimes. And of course, when he ran her plate the license of the person the car is registered to came up as invalid….Gee, I wonder why she tried to kill two people in the process of getting away? :/

In other news…gave my leftover Hcg to a fellow IFer tonight and I truly wish I had a taker for the Gonal-F, Crinone and Cetritide hanging around my house….you would think there were more people desperate for fertility drugs. I guess I’ll just donate them to my RE’s office.

Still taking the Estrace, I go back on Thursday to check the lining.

I’ve lost another two pounds so I’m within 3 pounds of where I was before starting the last cycle. Of course, I’m still 30 pounds away from my ideal weight.

Found out DH’s uncle has terminal cancer and one of his sons is being an azzhole.

Found out my BF’s BIL is #1 on the wait list for a liver due to liver cancer, but if he doesn’t get one in the next 72 hours he’s not going to live.

Makes you appreciate what you do have sometimes……

Oh and Misty made another friend today…a sweet chocolate lab and they had lots of fun together!

I’m off to bed now to mull over the fact that I have to have body work done to my poor truck…..this vehicle is not catching a break.

and I learned an interesting tidbit this morning.

I had to go in for blood after taking the hCG last night and was curious as to why. So, I asked one of the nurses and she responded with this.

“We have found at retrievals that some people aren’t about to ovulate or something is wrong with the trigger. And we figured out that they are just injecting themselves with the dilutent and no hCG. So, now everyone has to come in for a blood test to make sure they took the hCG correctly.”

Are ya kidding me??!!!!!! This is one of the best I’ve heard. How do  you not do the trigger correctly?! You have to have been doing injections for at least a week – you can’t figure this out?!

And now I have to suffer for other’s mistakes…

Anyway, after that tidbit of info, I went off to Church to say a prayer for myself and some others. Came home and took the beasties to the park so they could run in the woods for a while. We had a nice long walk and came home so we could all fall asleep (and Dan can watch football). I’m awake right now, but not sure how long it’s going to last since I feel like napping again.

Retrieval time is 10:45 a.m.

…and there’s lots of follies there. We have 40 some-odd counted at or over 11mm with the largest being 15mm. I’ve been taking Cetritide and Microdose Ovidrel for the last few days to sort of keep things growing at the same rate.

Had a nice little chat with the PA who did my sono this morning. They have been asking me how I feel EVERY day for the last three or four day and my reply is ALWAYS “I feel fine.”. So today, the lovely O asks me the question as she’s measuring little circles on a screen and I give her my usual reply. She comes back with (and I’ve paraphrased here)- “I wish I could record your responses so the chronic complainers could understand the difference.” She made me feel really good about the fact that I don’t piss and moan over every cramp and pull. Although, I did forget about the lovely blackandblues that appear on the belly after doing injections for a week.

And as far as how I feel, I really do feel fine. I’ve been walking the hound every day and we took in our friends lab for the weekend (I will get pics of these two in action up on the board), so I’m sure I’ll be doing more walking in the next few days. I have a slight “heavy” feeling in my pelvic area, but that’s about it. I am gaining a little weight, but I’m not sure if it’s fluids or my eating habits.

Have to go back tomorrow a.m. for more blood and sono…my arms are starting to look really interesting after blood six days in a row. I’m thinking two or three more days of stims and then it’s retrieval time.

On another note…got some apples the other day from Jericho Cider Mills (live happily appily!) and if the weather tomorrow afternoon is as predicted – I think I’ll be making some apple crisp! and I have some leftover marshmallows so it might be junk food night with Rice Crispy treats to go with the Apple Crisp.

Went for a run tonight and it felt great. I got three miles done which was good for me!

Going to try to stick with it and maybe drop at least a few pounds before stimming begins. It might also help if I’m in better shape.

Took Misty for a walk after but we got caught in rain so we had to cut it short. She doesn’t seem too upset though, she’s all curled up on the couch. Oh wait, she must know I’m typing about her, she just picked up her head and looked at me.

And I’m off to take my shower and get ready for bed…..

Yup…had my first major meltdown today. I just don’t think this worked. And I don’t know what to do. I’m scared, nervous, upset – you name it.

Went to Mass this morning and started crying almost right away. Kept asking God to give me a sign as to what I should do. And what does He give me? An impromptu children’s chorus….:(

What am I supposed to do with that? I don’t even know. Does this mean I should keep trying? Do I really take the chance of stimming and hyperstimming again? I still don’t know the answer. I only know I came home and my darling husband asked me if I was okay, and that just set me off again. I know part of it is all the meds, but I just don’t know what to do. I’m going to be 43 in two weeks…is it really worth it for me to keep doing this?

Then I meet up with my friend at the park to walk the dogs and her beautiful baby girl is so happy to see me. And she’s so pretty and happy and I wonder why am I not allowed to have this. What did I do that was so bad that I get to spend four friggin years trying to get pregnant, only to lose my son at five months. And now I get to try all over again. I just don’t understand it. I have tried to stay positive most of the time, but every so often it catches up to me and I can’t do it anymore. I just want to break down and cry all over again. And my poor husband doesn’t know what to do for me. I know he feels helpless and there really is nothing he can do. I just wish there were a way to make this end – one way or the other.

Maybe I should call it quits and accept that we aren’t going to have a child. Maybe I should just be happy with my husband and my animals. Why is it that I just don’t feel that it’s enough. Other people would be happy to have a good life like I do….I should be thankful and instead I am looking for more. It’s just too difficult sometimes. Today is definitely NOT a good day.

Hopefully, tomorrow I’ll wake up with a clearer mind about the whole thing.