Day 5 of stims… October 22, 2008

…and I already have 30 follicles at or around 11mm.

Did I mention that I’m a freak?! Of course, of those follies I’ll be lucky if one is decent. I did the 150iu of Gonal F up until this morning…now I’m doing 1 vial of Cetritide and 8 units of Micro-dose Ovidrel. All with daily monitoring. I have to give the Dr. credit, they are definitely monitoring me closely.

 

Oh and Estradial is 1270, FSH is 11.8 and Progesterone was 1.8…..

I just want one good egg. One egg that will genetically be able to create a healthy child. One egg that I can count on. Out of all these stupid eggs, I just want one. I don’t even care how long it takes me to get to that egg….I just want it to be there.

Everyone thinks it’s sooooooooo wonderful that I create all these eggs. Everyone thinks that I’ll definitely get PG with all these eggs. What “Everyone” doesn’t understand is that after going through 60 – yes 60!!! – embryo’s, I had one good pregnancy. One healthy baby, who I lost because of my cervix. Now, I have to hope that of these that I get now…..there is one more baby. What are the real odds of that? Probably not that great. But, I keep hoping. And I keep praying. Cuz if that baby isn’t in this bunch of eggs…then it’s no baby for us.

And that’s my rant for the day.

Ay Caramba!! October 22, 2008

Well, after four days (actually 3.5) of stims, I went in yesterday to check progress.

I already have follies. 4 between 8 and 10mm on the right and 6 between 8 and 10mm on the left. With many smaller….I go back this morning to check again. I’m sure they are already worried….

As my Physicians Assistant said -”There will be plenty of eggs.” I just wish they could guarantee a good one. I hate going through this process and not knowing if there is going to be one decent egg that can give us our miracle baby.

My poor hubby is all emotional right now. I know how badly he wants this to work, but he doesn’t really say anything cuz he doesn’t want to make it harder for me. Meanwhile, he has to deal with guys he works with coming in and showing pics of their new babies. And now, one of his friends is taking my husbands idea of tattooing the baby’s footprints on his chest and putting his own son’s (of course, his son is okay) footprints on his arm. So, of course, my hubby is all upset about it. I don’t even know what to say to him sometimes. I’ve gotten past that stuff – everyone I know practically has had a baby in the last year – so it’s not as hard for me as it is him. Besides, I’m just a less emotional person in general.

Anyway….I’m off to shower and get ready for Dr. K – or one of his lovely assistants – to see what we have going on.

 

 

 

Someone explain how a 43 year old person can produce AAAALLLLLLL these eggs and not have one child to show for it?  Chew on that and get back to me.

Well, that didn’t take long!! October 19, 2008

The hormones are kicking in! :0

We went to the American Museum of Natural History yesterday and I started to cry three times.

Cry 1 – looking at the anteater in the North American Mammal Display

Cry 2 – walking through the dinosaurs, started thinking about the fact they are extinct

Cry 3 – in the midst of the Techno Sonic Vision “movie”.

I kid you not folks….these are the actual incidents that made me tear up. You can’t make this crap up.

I seemed to have recovered temporarily, but who knows when they will strike again.

On the other side of the coin, if you get a chance to see either the Horse exhibit at the Museum or the Sonic Vision movie at the Space Center – do it.  Both were great!

There is an artist that creates bronze and driftwood sculpture of horses, her name is Deborah Butterfield. It’s worth it just to see her sculpture of her own horse at the end. I did not cry over it, but was awed. Then again, that could be the drugs also.

Judge for yourself….It’s much more impressive in person

Last Day October 16, 2008

of birth control pills.

Tomorrow is my day off and then Friday it’s off to the RE to do a baseline and start my meds….need a fainting icon here…

I need to think of something really good to do tomorrow before the madness starts.

Geez – I’m old! October 8, 2008

Yowzah is all I can say….43

Never thought I’d get to this old….but here I am.

And the workout log is done for now…haven’t worked out in two whole days. Although I did go for a two mile hike on Sunday with the hound and spent Monday afternoon doing a ton of yardwork…but that’s not really working out.

Of course, there’s no news on the IVF front since I’m still taking BCP’s – oh, and spotting/staining constantly. How much do I hate Birth Control Pills…that is the real question. I feel like I’ve had some version of a period for months now, even though it’s only been around 8 days.

No weight loss to report either and I’m sure there won’t be any today – what with the cakes, cookies etc. that will be at work today!!

Anyway – Happy Birthday to me and there’s only one thing I really want for my birthday this year…all I can do is pray I get it.

And with no further delay… September 29, 2008

We are onto a fresh IVF cycle!

Starting birth control pills tomorrow (I love how I take birth control to help me get pregnant) and going back on 10/17 for blood and sono and then it’s on to injectables. I can’t wait to receive my GIANT box of meds! Woohoo.

Dr. K was very sweet today and said he was willing to do another cycle as long as we followed the exact same protocol as last September with more monitoring. So, we are good to go. This will be my last fresh cycle, so if it don’t work I don’t have children. There is such a finality to all of this and yet I am comfortable with it. It gives me a sense of direction.

My mother won’t be happy, she wants me to adopt but of course none of us has the money to adopt. IF I did, I’d have done pre-genetic testing or donor egg.

So, wish me luck cuz here we go.

Off to the races...

Rough Week September 27, 2008

 

Yup, it’s been a tough week!
Of course I’ve already mentioned Rogan’s birth on Monday. Then, on Monday night at my monthly book club meeting, my wisdom tooth breaks in half. Fun times!
So, I wake up Tuesday and the first thing I do is Pee(on a stick) in order to get my first official BFN (big fat negative). Gee, what did I really expect. Well, now I know I can get the tooth worked on…yippeekiyahmuthafucka!!!
So, I spend the morning calling every oral surgeon and his brother in order to get an appointment to have said tooth removed. Finally get a 3:30 appointment and off I go.
The pulling is relatively easy…amazingly enough. Now, it’s home to rest again jiggity jig.
Wake up Wednesday morning with the worst (TMI COMING UP) diarrhea. Wow, could this get any better! Sickness continues all day…I’m assuming reaction to the novacaine…until a friend calls me to tell me she has salmonella poisoning from the food she ate on Monday night (with me)! Guess it’s not a reaction to the novacaine after all.
Luckily for me, I wake up on Thursday feeling semi-normal and it’s off to work I go.
Friday is official beta day….negatory! As if I didn’t know. And when my RE calls me with the info, I am almost consoling him. I actually feel bad for this man. He wants me to get pregnant in the worst way and it is soooooooooooo not happening. We’ve gone through 20 embryo’s in three months including two morula’s, one 10 cell grade 1 and one 8 cell grade 1, you would think one of them would have worked.
I swear, I wish I had the money for donor egg, cuz I would so do it at this point. I know it’s all me and if we had one decent egg I would get pregnant. Then of course, I’d just have to stay pregnant for nine months.
Anyway, as I’m consoling the lovely Dr. K – he tells me that he’d like to see me and discuss our next move. I inform him that I made an appointment to see him a month ago and I will be there Monday afternoon to talk about our options. I wouldn’t say he sounded happy, I think he might have like more time to prepare himself for the onslaught of me. But, he’ll deal with it.
So, I have the upcoming weekend to discuss with hubby what we should do – which will be stim or don’t stim basically. Or do we just decide to call it quits. I’m not sure I’m ready to call it quits and yet I’m not sure that I’m ready to stim again. And it’s not like I have a lot of time, considering the fact that I’ll be 43 in two weeks. Eggs are already another year older than the last batch, not a positive thing that’s for sure. Wouldn’t it be nice if you could get ten grand to fall from the sky?
On the upside, I decided to enter a couple of my jarred goods into a Country Fair competition…how’s that for the penultimate dorky thing to do?! But, I figure it will take my mind off the current state of my affairs. I’m also going to get down and dirty with working out and losing weight – I need to drop a good 30 pounds. I’m sure that doesn’t help my fertility case at all. Mostly, I figure it will help me to focus on other things besides fertility (or lack thereof) for a bit.
I’m going to assume next week will be better than this past one was….I’m not sure it could get worse, but who knows.

Oh, yeah…it was Misty’s birthday on Thursday! She’s four years old and still as cute as ever!!! And she just loves when I make her wear things….

Misty

Six days and counting September 19, 2008

Since the transfer was last Saturday, I have resigned myself to the fact that it’s either done or not done. There is either a baby beginning to grow or I’m going to have to make “the big decision”. Which is pretty much already made…but I do have some misgivings.

I have been feeling some cramping – sharp ones every so often. But other than that, nothing much to speak of. This doesn’t really surprise me and I need to learn to get over the checking for symptoms nonsense. Just can’t seem to, though. It’s like I know better, but am still so hopeful that things might be different this time. I really, truly want to believe I am pregnant.

And, in order to keep myself busy this last week I have – gone to the aforementioned baseball game, attended a “lipstick and popcorn party” at a friends house and gone to dinner with a bunch of friends. This is all on top of working each day and walking my beast in the mornings. Although, today she got duped since I didn’t have time to do a full park session and she just got a quickie around the block. My Mother-In-Law bought us a beautiful patio set for my birthday gift so I think I will be enjoying that over the weekend. The weather has changed and it’s perfect firepit weather…chilly and crisp.

The signs, signals and onset of OHSS

As an additional bonus, I noticed that there are a few searches for “When does OHSS start”. Since that seems to be the only thing that links to my page, I figured I would explain what happened to me and maybe help someone who thinks they are experiencing OHSS.

I felt fine up to retrieval. I was a little bit bloated, but nothing too bad. Mostly just discomfort. I was still working full days and really not experiencing any pain. At my last sonogram, there were too many follicles for them to count and the PA told me to try and take it easy. Retrieval went fine, they got 49 eggs which is an astronomical amount of eggs and I was told to take it easy and wait for the call regarding fertilization. My doctor asked how I had been feeling and I told him the truth “Crampy but not in pain.” My transfer was three days later and I was still feeling the same. Maybe a little more bloated, but nothing to speak of. At the transfer, I was again asked how I was feeling with the same response. The day after the transfer was a whole different story. Mind you, this is now five days after the HCG shot (which is apparently the catalyst to OHSS) and I was wiped out. I wasn’t really in pain, I just had no energy to speak of. I called the RE’s office and they told me to take it easy and if I wasn’t feeling better to come in the next morning. The next day was a little better, went to the RE’s anyway just to be sure and by the time I was done there, I didn’t even want to drive home. I drove to my mother’s house as she was closer and laid on the couch all day. The RE had given me a prescription for Heparin at that point as they were worried about blood clots. By 6 p.m. I was starting to feel nauseous and dizzy. I tried to fight it while going back and forth on the phone with my RE, but by 10 p.m. I was actually delirious and couldn’t even make any sense. So, for the record – full OHSS had set in by six days after trigger, five days after retrieval and two days after transfer. My husband drove me to the hospital and the rest is history. Apparently, as the abdomen fills with water (from the empty follicles taking in water) the fluids begin to push the diaphragm, lungs and stomach out of the way…which leads to the incredible sickness.
Once the fluid is drained either naturally or via withdrawal, the relief is incredible.

So, that’s the OHSS story. I certainly hope that I can help someone identify the symptoms early on so they don’t have to go through what I did.

And on to continue the 2WW….:|

Transfer done…. September 14, 2008

Well, we had the transfer done yesterday. Six embies – 1 – 10 cell grade 2, 2 -9 cell grade 2, 1 – 8 cell grade 1 and 2 – 8 cell grade 2/3. Not that any of it means anything since I’ve had Morulas (the stage before blastocyst and after embryo) transferred and not gotten PG….so it really means nothing.

I know people who have gotten low grade or fragmented embies transferred and gotten PG so I don’t think all the cell nonsense really means anything, but whatever.

Hopefully this will be our baby...

 

When the transfer was over, the nurse asked me if I wanted to keep my medical wristband…I thought that was so odd since this is number 12 and I’m honestly not expecting much. I really want it, but not expecting. We declined on the wristband and went on our way. I’m hoping that the fact that my hubby came along for the transfer might make a difference. He’s never been at a transfer before, so that might be our edge this time……..talk about grasping at straws.

Anyway, we went out to breakfast after, then went to his grandmothers to help out a little ( I did some deadheading and cleaning out of the garden beds), took a short nap, went to a birthday party and sat around and ate…then came home and crashed.

For the life of me, I will never know why I am sooooooooo tired after transfers. I feel exhausted all day. I’m not sure if it’s the stress or what, but I was so sleepy. I went to bed at 11 and crashed….it’s amazing cuz I don’t normally sleep much at all.

Today I’m going to take it fairly easy….do some laundry and go to my mom’s for my brother’s birthday….and that’s about it.

I’m feeling a little crampy, but that’s normal. Yesterday, I had some strong cramps and so far today it’s just a little here and there. So crampy and tired are the symptoms one day after transfer. Obviously nothing has happened yet….if it does happen, it will be in the next few days – God willing.

Speaking of God…I’m off to Church shortly. I stopped going for months after we lost Rogan, but started going back recently. Mostly because I miss it. I find something calming about Church and I’m not sure what it is. But it seems to work. I have to admit, though, that I haven’t been stellar about attending every week. Going today will make it three times in two months, but I guess that’s better than not going at all.

Well, that’s all for now. I’ll keep myself updated in the next few days….hopefully, this works……

Check In Tomorrow morning… September 10, 2008

My baby girl....

Well, tomorrow I go in to have my blood levels and lining checked for the transfer. For those of you who don’t know the process, a hormone replacement frozen transfer goes sort of like this:

On Cycle Day 2 you go in for blood and sono – blood to check your FSH levels and make sure you aren’t pregnant – hahahahah!/sono to check that your lining has thinned out.

Then, after they get the results from the blood back  you get a call telling you to start your Estrace pills twice a day. Generally, you take 2 2mg pills a day for 7 days (up till CD9) and then on CD10 you start to take 3 pills a day. Plus the prenatal vitamin and Folate if necessary.

Then you go back to the office for more blood and sono. Now they are checking to make sure the estrogen levels are where they should be and that your lining is thick enough. Usually they are looking for somewhere around 8-10mm.  This is what I’ll be doing tomorrow.

If everything looks good, they set you up for your frozen transfer. At this point there are all kinds of variations in the treatment. My RE starts off with progesterone injections 2 nights before transfer. The first night is 1/2 cc and the second night is 1cc.  Continuing with the estrace and starting doxycycline and medrol. Go in for transfer and then do another 1cc of progesterone. Starting the next day, it’s progesterone suppositories, medrol, doxy and estrace. Take the medrol and doxy until they run out and progesterone and estrace until beta.

The dreaded 2WW and then beta day.

The reason for this blog is because I’m really stressing about this frozen cycle so I’m hoping the blog will have a calming effect. Good luck with that right?!

So, tomorrow I go in for blood and sono and (since I’ve done this 11 times now) I’m guessing the transfer will be on Friday. Barring any freaky things happening…which in my case isn’t that freaky anymore.

And now, it’s off to bed to spend some quality time with my significant other before all the nasty stuff starts.