Wow…it’s been a long, long time…. March 21, 2009

almost 6 weeks since my last update. Have no fear, I will be updating a LOT in the near future. Bedrest is approaching fast and furiously.

To update – the baby seems to be a-okay. I had a second part of the ultrascreen done and the results dropped to 1 in 40. Which was great news for me and made me start thinking about skipping the amnio. Then I went for a growth sono last week and there are no significant markers, so I opted out of the amnio. And the Drs. didn’t give me a hard time – which makes me even happier!

The baby looks great, confirmed that it is a boy. At the growth sono, the tech tried to do a Level II but had some issues seeing the stomach bladder. So, I go back on April 1st  for my true Level II and hopefully his little stomach will be full then. And they will see it, and all will be well.

My new job is working out really well. I am catching on and don’t have too many concerns regarding my ability to do this after I go back. I am actually enjoying it – I love the commute more than anything. From 90 minutes to 5 minutes – how do you beat that? We have decided on what we are going to do with the room and I’m thinking about painting the ceiling fan blades to match the bedding. I’m probably crazy, but what else am I going to do with my time, right?

And, my mom is back in the hospital. I’ve been trying to go up as much as possible, but at the same time don’t want to overdo it for myself. She is severely malnourished and they were afraid she was going to just die of malnourishment if they didn’t address it. So, they attached a feeding port last night and will start feeding her through it on Sunday. There have been a few complications – but that’s par for the course in our family….

She does look much better than she has in eons, so there’s something to that. I feel bad cuz she is hungry (they have her on a completely liquid diet), but she hasn’t vomitted in a week. This is a first for her in over a year, so I’m certainly not bringing her any food…..

Last but not least, the anniversary of Rogan’s birth/death is tomorrow. The fact that I have this new baby growing inside of me makes it a lot easier to deal with, but at the same time I’m feeling a lot of guilt for not being as sad as I think I should be. I don’t know what the right answer is….and I probably won’t really until tomorrow…but we are going to go to Church and say a prayer for our little Angel and hope that he continues to watch over his baby brother and then we will go to the cemetery and bring him some flowers, along with his little bear that I’ve been holding over the winter.

Peace…..

Mel’s Show and Tell November 30, 2008

Worshipping the Head

So, I figure since everyone else seems to be posting current stuff and the weather is cold – I should interject with a lovely photo from summers’ past.

This wonderful pic was taken at the Taconic Sculpture Garden in Spencertown, NY, just off the Taconic Parkway. As you are driving north on the parkway, this head suddenly appears at the top of a hill for all to see. Upon first glance it’s sort of a shock. We saw it for a few years while going up to visit family in Kinderhook and had dubbed it “The Head”. We finally decided to go and see what “The Head” was all about. Well, after a 20 minute drive, we came to a house where there are many, many sculptures scattered across the immense property. They are in the woods, on the fields and in the gardens. Apparently, they can be bought from a Mr. Ron Kinwit who works and lives in the house.

We spent a good hour photographing ourselves amongst the various pieces and then went on our merry way….redubbing it “The Head House”

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For more intriguing and interesting shows – click here for more fun

It’s Thanksgiving November 27, 2008

And I know I’m supposed to be thankful for all kinds of things, and I am…but I’m more pissed that I am not celebrating my son’s first Thanksgiving…or his first Christmas or anything else. All I get to do is go to a cemetery and stare at a headstone and talk to my baby for a while. How unfair can that possibly be? After all those years of IVF’s, IUI’s and FET’s – I’m visiting a grave….while in the 2WW…it sucks and I’m so not thankful for it.

I know my husband has been wonderful through this and I know he hurts too. But sometimes, I just feel selfish and want it to be about me.

I know I should be grateful that my mother is still with us, but even with her – she’s like this shell of a person I used to know. Her whole life revolves around being sick. Part of me is sick of it and part of me cries for her and just wishes she would either get better or not. What must it be like for her to have to wake up each day and be in misery? For over a year now….

I know I should be happy that my sister is there to take care of my mother. But again, at what cost? She has no life – she wakes up every day and spends the whole day trying to make my mother feel more comfortable or give her medicine and food while my mother fights her every minute of the day. She doesn’t go anywhere or do anything because she worries that noone else will take care of our mother the way she does. I want to make her get out of the house, but I can’t force her. I worry about her sanity after all of this.

So, on this Thanksgiving morning -while I’m up by myself and before the insanity of 20 people coming to my tiny house for turkey starts I just needed to get out that I’m not truly happy or grateful for much this year. It’s been the worst year I can remember….I’m tired of death and hospitals and misery. I just want to be happy….

Oh and to top it off, Misty isn’t feeling right and she’s been off for days now so I’m really starting to worry.

I would truly like to punch some people sometimes… November 16, 2008

Some lady in the Target parking lot crushed a shopping cart into my car with hers and then tried to run me over when I went over to her car. Another woman saw it and got her info for me…when the cop got there he told me that because she didn’t hit my car directly it had to be filed as property damage and I could fix it, then go after her in small claims court.

First of all, I’m never getting my money back…second of all I don’t need this just as the holidays are starting. I really hate people sometimes. And of course, when he ran her plate the license of the person the car is registered to came up as invalid….Gee, I wonder why she tried to kill two people in the process of getting away? :/

In other news…gave my leftover Hcg to a fellow IFer tonight and I truly wish I had a taker for the Gonal-F, Crinone and Cetritide hanging around my house….you would think there were more people desperate for fertility drugs. I guess I’ll just donate them to my RE’s office.

Still taking the Estrace, I go back on Thursday to check the lining.

I’ve lost another two pounds so I’m within 3 pounds of where I was before starting the last cycle. Of course, I’m still 30 pounds away from my ideal weight.

Found out DH’s uncle has terminal cancer and one of his sons is being an azzhole.

Found out my BF’s BIL is #1 on the wait list for a liver due to liver cancer, but if he doesn’t get one in the next 72 hours he’s not going to live.

Makes you appreciate what you do have sometimes……

Oh and Misty made another friend today…a sweet chocolate lab and they had lots of fun together!

I’m off to bed now to mull over the fact that I have to have body work done to my poor truck…..this vehicle is not catching a break.

Hello to my Cysters! November 11, 2008

I think my cysts are trying to get my attention….I keep getting pain under my ribcage. Or I could have hurt a muscle helping to move my brother on Sunday…not sure which.

I really just wanted to pop on here to say

I had dinner with my husband tonight!!! It’s a first in weeks!! We’ve both been working so much, we’ve been passing each other like ships in the night (or day). So, he was off for Veteran’s Day (thank you to the vets!) and I decided to work a half day. We did absolutely nothing exciting – went to look at HDTV’s,  had Bobbique for dinner (yummy fried pickles) and came home to watch Indiana Jones. But it was so nice to actually talk to one another for a change…..makes me remember how much I love him.

And that’s all I really gots to say……

6 months today September 22, 2008

It’s been 6 months since Rogan was born/died today. Sometimes I can’t believe that the time has passed so quickly and sometimes it seems like it was a lifetime ago. Part of me still can’t believe we lost our baby boy. He was so perfect and beautiful and it overwhelms me that I don’t have him to hold in my arms.

I used to spend a lot of time thinking – on this date he would be such and such age or doing such and such thing. Now I think I’ve become more detached from it and just feel a little sad that we didn’t get to be with him. I don’t really measure the time like I used to. I know my husband thinks about all the things he would have done with him and now won’t get to do.

I always wonder if there was a way we could have caught on to the cervical issue sooner, but my doctor swears not. Of course, I’ll never know if he’s just saying that to protect me or if it’s true.

My family gave us a bench with the most wonderful saying on it…

Rogan’s Bench

Rogan’s Garden

Sometimes I go back there and sit to think about life, death and what our purpose here is….If I ever get the answer I’ll be sure to post it.

 

And for all those mothers out there who have experienced a pregnancy loss, I found this poem to be truly meaningful to me….

My Mom Is A Survivor

My Mom is a survivor, or so I’ve heard it said.
But I hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn’t know I’m with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away…
I watch over my surviving mom, who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others…a smile of disguise.
But through Heaven’s door I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom…through Heaven’s open door.
I try to tell her that angels protect me forever more.
But I know that doesn’t help her or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her…And show her that you care.
For no matter what she says…no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart that time won’t ever heal~!This poem was written by Kaye Des’Ormeaux

Meltdown #1 September 21, 2008

Yup…had my first major meltdown today. I just don’t think this worked. And I don’t know what to do. I’m scared, nervous, upset – you name it.

Went to Mass this morning and started crying almost right away. Kept asking God to give me a sign as to what I should do. And what does He give me? An impromptu children’s chorus….:(

What am I supposed to do with that? I don’t even know. Does this mean I should keep trying? Do I really take the chance of stimming and hyperstimming again? I still don’t know the answer. I only know I came home and my darling husband asked me if I was okay, and that just set me off again. I know part of it is all the meds, but I just don’t know what to do. I’m going to be 43 in two weeks…is it really worth it for me to keep doing this?

Then I meet up with my friend at the park to walk the dogs and her beautiful baby girl is so happy to see me. And she’s so pretty and happy and I wonder why am I not allowed to have this. What did I do that was so bad that I get to spend four friggin years trying to get pregnant, only to lose my son at five months. And now I get to try all over again. I just don’t understand it. I have tried to stay positive most of the time, but every so often it catches up to me and I can’t do it anymore. I just want to break down and cry all over again. And my poor husband doesn’t know what to do for me. I know he feels helpless and there really is nothing he can do. I just wish there were a way to make this end – one way or the other.

Maybe I should call it quits and accept that we aren’t going to have a child. Maybe I should just be happy with my husband and my animals. Why is it that I just don’t feel that it’s enough. Other people would be happy to have a good life like I do….I should be thankful and instead I am looking for more. It’s just too difficult sometimes. Today is definitely NOT a good day.

Hopefully, tomorrow I’ll wake up with a clearer mind about the whole thing.