The Horror December 15, 2012

I’m just floored by yesterdays tragedy.

As most of the world is, I’m sure.

I’ve cried an uncountable number of times in the last 24 hours.

How did his family not see the signs? How could he murder 20 little children? How does this man shoot small children and actually RELOAD his guns to shoot more?

This whole thing has changed many people I think…and part of me wonders why…until I realize that these are small children. Children who had the rest of their lives ahead of them – really. Not in the sense that we say it about teens or young adults, really the rest of their lives. As I read an editorial this morning it hit home. These babies were at the age of non-reality. They wear feetie pajama’s and eat chocolate until they are covered. They swipe their hands into pancake syrup until they are all sticky. They are truly, truly innocent.

And their parents sent them to school yesterday thinking they would be safe. My husband, who is a court officer, made a comment in passing last night about considering carrying his weapon at all times and I said “but you still couldn’t save them because they were in school – supposedly the safest place of all”. Not college, not high school, not a movie theater – a K-4 school. Noone was older than 10….and that is why it’s so unbelievably horrific…I don’t know how these parents will go on. Gifts unopened, holidays forever spent without the true loves of their lives. I just cannot imagine. I look at Colin and just start bawling all over again…and of course he has NO idea. What would I ever do? How would I be able to stand it?

My heart breaks for those families and the classmates of those babies. My prayers go out to each and every one of them. There is nothing more that can be said except if you have a child, hug him or her even harder and more often…let them know how much you really love them.

Blessings and Tragedies September 3, 2012

Since I do have a little free time – I wanted to take the opportunity to just post about the good in my life.

For a multitude of reasons.

One – because sometimes I think we forget how good we have it and get stuck in the muck of daily life.

Two – because maybe it can help someone else in some fashion or other, such as raising awareness, raising money or just making someone else see outside the muck of their daily life.

Three – because no matter what else happens, none of us should forget how truly blessed we are. Especially when our true dreams and hopes come true

Four – because I never want to lose empathy for those who struggle in any way, shape or form. To forget that might be to lose my own humanity.

On that front, I need to express my thoughts and prayers for some people who are close to me.

One is a friend from my book club. Her daughter was born on May 16 and was quickly diagnosed with a failure to thrive. Further testing has shown that she has Niemann-Pick Disease which has a terrible prognosis. They are now down in North Carolina at Duke in the hopes that they can do a stem cell transplant. They will have to undergo a multitude of tests just to make sure their little girl is eligible and all this at only a little over 3 months old. I have no idea how my friend has found the strength to laugh and live and be there for her other two children. I don’t know how she handles loving this baby knowing how bad her prognosis is. I can only pray that they are able to help their baby and that, by some miracle of God, the stem cell transplant is a viable option for their daughter and it works.

Then there are two of my friends that I met while going through all the infertility treatments, both of which are having medical issues with their Moms. Having lost my own Mother, I want to cry for them because I understand all the fears and anxieties that go along with our parents getting ill. While it’s normal to outlive your parents, it’s also terrible to watch them get sick and feel as though there is nothing you can do. Old age is a terrible thing. And as we get older so do our parents, I was in a very difficult place losing my mother when she was so young. But I realize that no matter how old you or your parent is, it never gets easy. It is so hard to watch them go to doctors, specialists, etc. and not get any great answers. It is so hard watching the person who has always been strong for you get weak and/or sick. And it is hardest of all to think that the possibility of the person you always went to for advice and help may not be there. So, I pray for both my friends’ mothers – that they are only suffering minor setbacks and make a full recovery so that my girls can have their Mums around for a long, long while.

And lastly, but certainly not leastly, probably the saddest of all. The woman who took all of Colin’s newborn photos, as a kindness and donation to us because she felt so badly that we had lost our son Rogan, is Summer Lyn. And she is an amazing photographer as evidenced by her photos of Colin and many more that you can see on her website http://www.summerlynphotography.com . I have followed her through the years because I think her work is amazing and although I certainly couldn’t afford to pay for her services while we are struggling with daily expenses, I still love to look at her photographs. Her brother and his wife just gave birth to a baby boy named Easton. Easton was born with Epidermolysis Bullosa- EB also known as Butterfly Disease as his skin is so fragile it cannot be touched. He was born with burns and he is constantly blistering and burning. As of now, he is undergoing surgery to have a second PICC line placed into his chest for feeding. His prognosis is terrible. My heart breaks for this family. I wish there were something more that I could do for this baby, his parents, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. How do you watch this?! How do you sit there completely unable to comfort your baby boy? How do you go home and take your other boys school shopping? How do you get up each morning and go to the hospital to watch your baby endure the horrors of bandage changing? God give them the strength to get through all of this. I don’t even know how Summer deals with the fact that she has to stay here, work and care for her own children while her brother and sister-in-law are in Cincinnati trying to save their baby. I just don’t know…..

But it does make me say prayers for all of them and so many others that are dealing with tragedies and at the same time it makes me so much more aware of the things I DO have in my life. And grateful for the good things that have come my way. And it may be a long while before I complain about not having all the things I want since I really do have all the things I need; a loving husband, a happy and healthy child and a roof over my head…

God Bless all of you….

 

p.s. – if you would like to donate to Baby Eastons family please go to the links on left side of my page under charities…and if you would like to view Summers work check out her link under photography – thank you!

Mothers Day – 3 Years Later May 15, 2012

Funny how much things change after 3 years.

3 years of somewhat maintaining this blog.

My child is almost 3 years old.

I have a child that was buried over 3 years ago.

3 years ago, I wasn’t sure if I would ever be a mother but I never thought about not having my own mother around.

And it’s been 2 years of not having a Mom on Mothers Day.

Which I think is the biggest hurt of all now.

All the things I miss about her. All the times I want to call her – for advice, for laughs, to cry, to vent or just to talk.for hours.and hours.and hours. I think about all the times Dan and I used to fight because I would come home so late from her house. What if I hadn’t spent all that time with her then? Would I regret it like I regret not seeing her in the hospital those few months between Colin’s birth and her death?

I miss her so much and although it’s not as much a forefront of my everyday life, it’s so very painful on a day like Mothers Day – and this Saturday will be her birthday. I miss the whole clan gathering at her house for the day, each of us laden with flats and flats of plants. She loved to garden, she loved her flowers so much and we all loved her so much that it boggles my mind sometimes. She was truly the center of our lives as a family. And so much has fallen by the wayside since her death. None of my siblings are the same. We are all damaged and we have all lost something of ourselves. She was truly the glue that held us together and made us whole. What was lost with her death will probably never be repaired.

I urge anyone who is an adult and still has their mother around to give her an extra hug, not on Mothers Day but every day. Tell her how much you love her. Be there for her if she needs you. Because the day will come when she is not there. No matter how much she may get on your nerves at times, she still loves you and has dedicated her life to you. The least you can give her is your time now. Hopefully, you will have her around for good long while. I was fairly lucky – I had my Mom till I was 45, my youngest sisters not so much.

I treasure all those moments I did have with her and regret all the things that were missed.

I love you Mom – I always will – you made me what I am today and I only hope to be half the “Mump” you were.

 

 

ByeBye Santa Fe April 22, 2012

Ah well….my Santa Fe is no more 😦
my faithful sidekick has left me – no more beach drives, no more off-road trips, no more curb-hopping. I will miss you so…
I know it sounds pathetic, but I love my cars – especially when they are MY cars: as in I decided this is the vehicle I like, I research to the “nth” degree, I price shop like a crazy person til I think I’ve found the best deal and then I baby my vehicle for all the days that I own it. And I hate, hate, hate giving up my vehicles.
My first car was a 1978 Chrysler LeBaron. I called it the green hornet. Bought it in 1983 for $800 and kept it for 7 years of body work, mechanical work and interior work. If there were a lemon law in those days this car qualified. When I was ready to move on I gave it to my brother who quietly (or maybe not so) made it disappear.
I replaced the Chrysler with a brand new 1990 Toyota Celica and I still miss that car. It was like going from a Sherman Tank to a Formula 1 car and I loved it. I put the best stereo system, amps and bass tube in it and drove it for 13 years and 120,000 miles. I trailered jetski’s to races in that car and spent many a night down by the water with a cup of coffee and the radio all by myself in it. That car didn’t give me a lick of trouble and was the easiest thing in the world to maintain. And then it started to have problems so I decided it was time to move on and sell her for a mere $1300 and a LOT of aggravation from buyers.
I then purchased a new 2003 Hyundai Santa Fe…and I can’t say enough great things about that truck. While not a sleek and fast as the Celica, the Santa Fe was another winner. I drove that thing on beaches, rocks, dunes and in the woods. I commuted in that sucker for 6 years. It literally saved my life when some guy plowed into me doing 65mph on the Long Island Expressway while I was at a dead stop. That truck just wouldn’t (or won’t) die. I’m sure the woman who purchased it is going to get plenty out of that vehicle. And I hope she takes care of it and loves it only half as much as I did, which she probably won’t but what can you do. 10 years and 213,000 miles is a lot and that truck owed me nothing, but I will still miss it.
So, now I’m driving my husbands used Tahoe. Not that I hate it, but it’s not my choice of vehicle and it hasn’t had the best of care so I feel like I’m playing catchup. But, it’s a good, clean truck and the engine has plenty of miles left in it so I’m going to get the most out of it that I can…and make it as much mine as I can…and hopefully in a few years I can sadly lament the departure of “my tahoe”.
Oh, and we bought hubby a 2009 Sonata that is a very nice car…good gas mileage, nice condition…but for some reason I am not in love with it…I actually feel like the Tahoe has more personality. So we have solved the gas mileage problem, now we just have to pay this new car off so I can think about what I’d like for a new car. 🙂

Wow…it’s been a long, long time…. March 21, 2009

almost 6 weeks since my last update. Have no fear, I will be updating a LOT in the near future. Bedrest is approaching fast and furiously.

To update – the baby seems to be a-okay. I had a second part of the ultrascreen done and the results dropped to 1 in 40. Which was great news for me and made me start thinking about skipping the amnio. Then I went for a growth sono last week and there are no significant markers, so I opted out of the amnio. And the Drs. didn’t give me a hard time – which makes me even happier!

The baby looks great, confirmed that it is a boy. At the growth sono, the tech tried to do a Level II but had some issues seeing the stomach bladder. So, I go back on April 1st  for my true Level II and hopefully his little stomach will be full then. And they will see it, and all will be well.

My new job is working out really well. I am catching on and don’t have too many concerns regarding my ability to do this after I go back. I am actually enjoying it – I love the commute more than anything. From 90 minutes to 5 minutes – how do you beat that? We have decided on what we are going to do with the room and I’m thinking about painting the ceiling fan blades to match the bedding. I’m probably crazy, but what else am I going to do with my time, right?

And, my mom is back in the hospital. I’ve been trying to go up as much as possible, but at the same time don’t want to overdo it for myself. She is severely malnourished and they were afraid she was going to just die of malnourishment if they didn’t address it. So, they attached a feeding port last night and will start feeding her through it on Sunday. There have been a few complications – but that’s par for the course in our family….

She does look much better than she has in eons, so there’s something to that. I feel bad cuz she is hungry (they have her on a completely liquid diet), but she hasn’t vomitted in a week. This is a first for her in over a year, so I’m certainly not bringing her any food…..

Last but not least, the anniversary of Rogan’s birth/death is tomorrow. The fact that I have this new baby growing inside of me makes it a lot easier to deal with, but at the same time I’m feeling a lot of guilt for not being as sad as I think I should be. I don’t know what the right answer is….and I probably won’t really until tomorrow…but we are going to go to Church and say a prayer for our little Angel and hope that he continues to watch over his baby brother and then we will go to the cemetery and bring him some flowers, along with his little bear that I’ve been holding over the winter.

Peace…..

Hello to my Cysters! November 11, 2008

I think my cysts are trying to get my attention….I keep getting pain under my ribcage. Or I could have hurt a muscle helping to move my brother on Sunday…not sure which.

I really just wanted to pop on here to say

I had dinner with my husband tonight!!! It’s a first in weeks!! We’ve both been working so much, we’ve been passing each other like ships in the night (or day). So, he was off for Veteran’s Day (thank you to the vets!) and I decided to work a half day. We did absolutely nothing exciting – went to look at HDTV’s,  had Bobbique for dinner (yummy fried pickles) and came home to watch Indiana Jones. But it was so nice to actually talk to one another for a change…..makes me remember how much I love him.

And that’s all I really gots to say…… 🙂

6 months today September 22, 2008

It’s been 6 months since Rogan was born/died today. Sometimes I can’t believe that the time has passed so quickly and sometimes it seems like it was a lifetime ago. Part of me still can’t believe we lost our baby boy. He was so perfect and beautiful and it overwhelms me that I don’t have him to hold in my arms.

I used to spend a lot of time thinking – on this date he would be such and such age or doing such and such thing. Now I think I’ve become more detached from it and just feel a little sad that we didn’t get to be with him. I don’t really measure the time like I used to. I know my husband thinks about all the things he would have done with him and now won’t get to do.

I always wonder if there was a way we could have caught on to the cervical issue sooner, but my doctor swears not. Of course, I’ll never know if he’s just saying that to protect me or if it’s true.

My family gave us a bench with the most wonderful saying on it…

Rogan’s Bench

Rogan’s Garden

Sometimes I go back there and sit to think about life, death and what our purpose here is….If I ever get the answer I’ll be sure to post it.

 

And for all those mothers out there who have experienced a pregnancy loss, I found this poem to be truly meaningful to me….

My Mom Is A Survivor

My Mom is a survivor, or so I’ve heard it said.
But I hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn’t know I’m with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away…
I watch over my surviving mom, who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others…a smile of disguise.
But through Heaven’s door I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom…through Heaven’s open door.
I try to tell her that angels protect me forever more.
But I know that doesn’t help her or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her…And show her that you care.
For no matter what she says…no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart that time won’t ever heal~!This poem was written by Kaye Des’Ormeaux

Meltdown #1 September 21, 2008

Yup…had my first major meltdown today. I just don’t think this worked. And I don’t know what to do. I’m scared, nervous, upset – you name it.

Went to Mass this morning and started crying almost right away. Kept asking God to give me a sign as to what I should do. And what does He give me? An impromptu children’s chorus….:(

What am I supposed to do with that? I don’t even know. Does this mean I should keep trying? Do I really take the chance of stimming and hyperstimming again? I still don’t know the answer. I only know I came home and my darling husband asked me if I was okay, and that just set me off again. I know part of it is all the meds, but I just don’t know what to do. I’m going to be 43 in two weeks…is it really worth it for me to keep doing this?

Then I meet up with my friend at the park to walk the dogs and her beautiful baby girl is so happy to see me. And she’s so pretty and happy and I wonder why am I not allowed to have this. What did I do that was so bad that I get to spend four friggin years trying to get pregnant, only to lose my son at five months. And now I get to try all over again. I just don’t understand it. I have tried to stay positive most of the time, but every so often it catches up to me and I can’t do it anymore. I just want to break down and cry all over again. And my poor husband doesn’t know what to do for me. I know he feels helpless and there really is nothing he can do. I just wish there were a way to make this end – one way or the other.

Maybe I should call it quits and accept that we aren’t going to have a child. Maybe I should just be happy with my husband and my animals. Why is it that I just don’t feel that it’s enough. Other people would be happy to have a good life like I do….I should be thankful and instead I am looking for more. It’s just too difficult sometimes. Today is definitely NOT a good day.

Hopefully, tomorrow I’ll wake up with a clearer mind about the whole thing.