Wow…it’s been a long, long time…. March 21, 2009

almost 6 weeks since my last update. Have no fear, I will be updating a LOT in the near future. Bedrest is approaching fast and furiously.

To update – the baby seems to be a-okay. I had a second part of the ultrascreen done and the results dropped to 1 in 40. Which was great news for me and made me start thinking about skipping the amnio. Then I went for a growth sono last week and there are no significant markers, so I opted out of the amnio. And the Drs. didn’t give me a hard time – which makes me even happier!

The baby looks great, confirmed that it is a boy. At the growth sono, the tech tried to do a Level II but had some issues seeing the stomach bladder. So, I go back on April 1st  for my true Level II and hopefully his little stomach will be full then. And they will see it, and all will be well.

My new job is working out really well. I am catching on and don’t have too many concerns regarding my ability to do this after I go back. I am actually enjoying it – I love the commute more than anything. From 90 minutes to 5 minutes – how do you beat that? We have decided on what we are going to do with the room and I’m thinking about painting the ceiling fan blades to match the bedding. I’m probably crazy, but what else am I going to do with my time, right?

And, my mom is back in the hospital. I’ve been trying to go up as much as possible, but at the same time don’t want to overdo it for myself. She is severely malnourished and they were afraid she was going to just die of malnourishment if they didn’t address it. So, they attached a feeding port last night and will start feeding her through it on Sunday. There have been a few complications – but that’s par for the course in our family….

She does look much better than she has in eons, so there’s something to that. I feel bad cuz she is hungry (they have her on a completely liquid diet), but she hasn’t vomitted in a week. This is a first for her in over a year, so I’m certainly not bringing her any food…..

Last but not least, the anniversary of Rogan’s birth/death is tomorrow. The fact that I have this new baby growing inside of me makes it a lot easier to deal with, but at the same time I’m feeling a lot of guilt for not being as sad as I think I should be. I don’t know what the right answer is….and I probably won’t really until tomorrow…but we are going to go to Church and say a prayer for our little Angel and hope that he continues to watch over his baby brother and then we will go to the cemetery and bring him some flowers, along with his little bear that I’ve been holding over the winter.

Peace…..

Hello to my Cysters! November 11, 2008

I think my cysts are trying to get my attention….I keep getting pain under my ribcage. Or I could have hurt a muscle helping to move my brother on Sunday…not sure which.

I really just wanted to pop on here to say

I had dinner with my husband tonight!!! It’s a first in weeks!! We’ve both been working so much, we’ve been passing each other like ships in the night (or day). So, he was off for Veteran’s Day (thank you to the vets!) and I decided to work a half day. We did absolutely nothing exciting – went to look at HDTV’s,  had Bobbique for dinner (yummy fried pickles) and came home to watch Indiana Jones. But it was so nice to actually talk to one another for a change…..makes me remember how much I love him.

And that’s all I really gots to say……

6 months today September 22, 2008

It’s been 6 months since Rogan was born/died today. Sometimes I can’t believe that the time has passed so quickly and sometimes it seems like it was a lifetime ago. Part of me still can’t believe we lost our baby boy. He was so perfect and beautiful and it overwhelms me that I don’t have him to hold in my arms.

I used to spend a lot of time thinking – on this date he would be such and such age or doing such and such thing. Now I think I’ve become more detached from it and just feel a little sad that we didn’t get to be with him. I don’t really measure the time like I used to. I know my husband thinks about all the things he would have done with him and now won’t get to do.

I always wonder if there was a way we could have caught on to the cervical issue sooner, but my doctor swears not. Of course, I’ll never know if he’s just saying that to protect me or if it’s true.

My family gave us a bench with the most wonderful saying on it…

Rogan’s Bench

Rogan’s Garden

Sometimes I go back there and sit to think about life, death and what our purpose here is….If I ever get the answer I’ll be sure to post it.

 

And for all those mothers out there who have experienced a pregnancy loss, I found this poem to be truly meaningful to me….

My Mom Is A Survivor

My Mom is a survivor, or so I’ve heard it said.
But I hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn’t know I’m with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away…
I watch over my surviving mom, who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others…a smile of disguise.
But through Heaven’s door I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom…through Heaven’s open door.
I try to tell her that angels protect me forever more.
But I know that doesn’t help her or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her…And show her that you care.
For no matter what she says…no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart that time won’t ever heal~!This poem was written by Kaye Des’Ormeaux

Meltdown #1 September 21, 2008

Yup…had my first major meltdown today. I just don’t think this worked. And I don’t know what to do. I’m scared, nervous, upset – you name it.

Went to Mass this morning and started crying almost right away. Kept asking God to give me a sign as to what I should do. And what does He give me? An impromptu children’s chorus….:(

What am I supposed to do with that? I don’t even know. Does this mean I should keep trying? Do I really take the chance of stimming and hyperstimming again? I still don’t know the answer. I only know I came home and my darling husband asked me if I was okay, and that just set me off again. I know part of it is all the meds, but I just don’t know what to do. I’m going to be 43 in two weeks…is it really worth it for me to keep doing this?

Then I meet up with my friend at the park to walk the dogs and her beautiful baby girl is so happy to see me. And she’s so pretty and happy and I wonder why am I not allowed to have this. What did I do that was so bad that I get to spend four friggin years trying to get pregnant, only to lose my son at five months. And now I get to try all over again. I just don’t understand it. I have tried to stay positive most of the time, but every so often it catches up to me and I can’t do it anymore. I just want to break down and cry all over again. And my poor husband doesn’t know what to do for me. I know he feels helpless and there really is nothing he can do. I just wish there were a way to make this end – one way or the other.

Maybe I should call it quits and accept that we aren’t going to have a child. Maybe I should just be happy with my husband and my animals. Why is it that I just don’t feel that it’s enough. Other people would be happy to have a good life like I do….I should be thankful and instead I am looking for more. It’s just too difficult sometimes. Today is definitely NOT a good day.

Hopefully, tomorrow I’ll wake up with a clearer mind about the whole thing.