It's unusual…

..what started out as an IVF journey and ended up being about life

Blessings and Tragedies September 3, 2012

Filed under: Life,Parenting — gertyrae @ 4:02 pm
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Since I do have a little free time – I wanted to take the opportunity to just post about the good in my life.

For a multitude of reasons.

One – because sometimes I think we forget how good we have it and get stuck in the muck of daily life.

Two – because maybe it can help someone else in some fashion or other, such as raising awareness, raising money or just making someone else see outside the muck of their daily life.

Three – because no matter what else happens, none of us should forget how truly blessed we are. Especially when our true dreams and hopes come true

Four – because I never want to lose empathy for those who struggle in any way, shape or form. To forget that might be to lose my own humanity.

On that front, I need to express my thoughts and prayers for some people who are close to me.

One is a friend from my book club. Her daughter was born on May 16 and was quickly diagnosed with a failure to thrive. Further testing has shown that she has Niemann-Pick Disease which has a terrible prognosis. They are now down in North Carolina at Duke in the hopes that they can do a stem cell transplant. They will have to undergo a multitude of tests just to make sure their little girl is eligible and all this at only a little over 3 months old. I have no idea how my friend has found the strength to laugh and live and be there for her other two children. I don’t know how she handles loving this baby knowing how bad her prognosis is. I can only pray that they are able to help their baby and that, by some miracle of God, the stem cell transplant is a viable option for their daughter and it works.

Then there are two of my friends that I met while going through all the infertility treatments, both of which are having medical issues with their Moms. Having lost my own Mother, I want to cry for them because I understand all the fears and anxieties that go along with our parents getting ill. While it’s normal to outlive your parents, it’s also terrible to watch them get sick and feel as though there is nothing you can do. Old age is a terrible thing. And as we get older so do our parents, I was in a very difficult place losing my mother when she was so young. But I realize that no matter how old you or your parent is, it never gets easy. It is so hard to watch them go to doctors, specialists, etc. and not get any great answers. It is so hard watching the person who has always been strong for you get weak and/or sick. And it is hardest of all to think that the possibility of the person you always went to for advice and help may not be there. So, I pray for both my friends’ mothers – that they are only suffering minor setbacks and make a full recovery so that my girls can have their Mums around for a long, long while.

And lastly, but certainly not leastly, probably the saddest of all. The woman who took all of Colin’s newborn photos, as a kindness and donation to us because she felt so badly that we had lost our son Rogan, is Summer Lyn. And she is an amazing photographer as evidenced by her photos of Colin and many more that you can see on her website . I have followed her through the years because I think her work is amazing and although I certainly couldn’t afford to pay for her services while we are struggling with daily expenses, I still love to look at her photographs. Her brother and his wife just gave birth to a baby boy named Easton. Easton was born with Epidermolysis Bullosa- EB also known as Butterfly Disease as his skin is so fragile it cannot be touched. He was born with burns and he is constantly blistering and burning. As of now, he is undergoing surgery to have a second PICC line placed into his chest for feeding. His prognosis is terrible. My heart breaks for this family. I wish there were something more that I could do for this baby, his parents, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. How do you watch this?! How do you sit there completely unable to comfort your baby boy? How do you go home and take your other boys school shopping? How do you get up each morning and go to the hospital to watch your baby endure the horrors of bandage changing? God give them the strength to get through all of this. I don’t even know how Summer deals with the fact that she has to stay here, work and care for her own children while her brother and sister-in-law are in Cincinnati trying to save their baby. I just don’t know…..

But it does make me say prayers for all of them and so many others that are dealing with tragedies and at the same time it makes me so much more aware of the things I DO have in my life. And grateful for the good things that have come my way. And it may be a long while before I complain about not having all the things I want since I really do have all the things I need; a loving husband, a happy and healthy child and a roof over my head…

God Bless all of you….


p.s. – if you would like to donate to Baby Eastons family please go to the links on left side of my page under charities…and if you would like to view Summers work check out her link under photography – thank you!


WE did it!!! May 3, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — gertyrae @ 8:35 am
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just the skin of our teeth.with not a penny to spare…..but we did it!! We made it to goal as a team. As of today I have $150 in checks to post to the March for Babies site and we are at our $2500 goal.

Can’t imagine how hard next year is going to be 😛


Meltdown #1 September 21, 2008

Filed under: IVF — gertyrae @ 9:15 pm
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Yup…had my first major meltdown today. I just don’t think this worked. And I don’t know what to do. I’m scared, nervous, upset – you name it.

Went to Mass this morning and started crying almost right away. Kept asking God to give me a sign as to what I should do. And what does He give me? An impromptu children’s chorus….:(

What am I supposed to do with that? I don’t even know. Does this mean I should keep trying? Do I really take the chance of stimming and hyperstimming again? I still don’t know the answer. I only know I came home and my darling husband asked me if I was okay, and that just set me off again. I know part of it is all the meds, but I just don’t know what to do. I’m going to be 43 in two weeks…is it really worth it for me to keep doing this?

Then I meet up with my friend at the park to walk the dogs and her beautiful baby girl is so happy to see me. And she’s so pretty and happy and I wonder why am I not allowed to have this. What did I do that was so bad that I get to spend four friggin years trying to get pregnant, only to lose my son at five months. And now I get to try all over again. I just don’t understand it. I have tried to stay positive most of the time, but every so often it catches up to me and I can’t do it anymore. I just want to break down and cry all over again. And my poor husband doesn’t know what to do for me. I know he feels helpless and there really is nothing he can do. I just wish there were a way to make this end – one way or the other.

Maybe I should call it quits and accept that we aren’t going to have a child. Maybe I should just be happy with my husband and my animals. Why is it that I just don’t feel that it’s enough. Other people would be happy to have a good life like I do….I should be thankful and instead I am looking for more. It’s just too difficult sometimes. Today is definitely NOT a good day.

Hopefully, tomorrow I’ll wake up with a clearer mind about the whole thing.