It's unusual…

..what started out as an IVF journey and ended up being about life

The Horror December 15, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — gertyrae @ 11:09 am
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I’m just floored by yesterdays tragedy.

As most of the world is, I’m sure.

I’ve cried an uncountable number of times in the last 24 hours.

How did his family not see the signs? How could he murder 20 little children? How does this man shoot small children and actually RELOAD his guns to shoot more?

This whole thing has changed many people I think…and part of me wonders why…until I realize that these are small children. Children who had the rest of their lives ahead of them – really. Not in the sense that we say it about teens or young adults, really the rest of their lives. As I read an editorial this morning it hit home. These babies were at the age of non-reality. They wear feetie pajama’s and eat chocolate until they are covered. They swipe their hands into pancake syrup until they are all sticky. They are truly, truly innocent.

And their parents sent them to school yesterday thinking they would be safe. My husband, who is a court officer, made a comment in passing last night about considering carrying his weapon at all times and I said “but you still couldn’t save them because they were in school – supposedly the safest place of all”. Not college, not high school, not a movie theater – a K-4 school. Noone was older than 10….and that is why it’s so unbelievably horrific…I don’t know how these parents will go on. Gifts unopened, holidays forever spent without the true loves of their lives. I just cannot imagine. I look at Colin and just start bawling all over again…and of course he has NO idea. What would I ever do? How would I be able to stand it?

My heart breaks for those families and the classmates of those babies. My prayers go out to each and every one of them. There is nothing more that can be said except if you have a child, hug him or her even harder and more often…let them know how much you really love them.


Blessings and Tragedies September 3, 2012

Filed under: Life,Parenting — gertyrae @ 4:02 pm
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Since I do have a little free time – I wanted to take the opportunity to just post about the good in my life.

For a multitude of reasons.

One – because sometimes I think we forget how good we have it and get stuck in the muck of daily life.

Two – because maybe it can help someone else in some fashion or other, such as raising awareness, raising money or just making someone else see outside the muck of their daily life.

Three – because no matter what else happens, none of us should forget how truly blessed we are. Especially when our true dreams and hopes come true

Four – because I never want to lose empathy for those who struggle in any way, shape or form. To forget that might be to lose my own humanity.

On that front, I need to express my thoughts and prayers for some people who are close to me.

One is a friend from my book club. Her daughter was born on May 16 and was quickly diagnosed with a failure to thrive. Further testing has shown that she has Niemann-Pick Disease which has a terrible prognosis. They are now down in North Carolina at Duke in the hopes that they can do a stem cell transplant. They will have to undergo a multitude of tests just to make sure their little girl is eligible and all this at only a little over 3 months old. I have no idea how my friend has found the strength to laugh and live and be there for her other two children. I don’t know how she handles loving this baby knowing how bad her prognosis is. I can only pray that they are able to help their baby and that, by some miracle of God, the stem cell transplant is a viable option for their daughter and it works.

Then there are two of my friends that I met while going through all the infertility treatments, both of which are having medical issues with their Moms. Having lost my own Mother, I want to cry for them because I understand all the fears and anxieties that go along with our parents getting ill. While it’s normal to outlive your parents, it’s also terrible to watch them get sick and feel as though there is nothing you can do. Old age is a terrible thing. And as we get older so do our parents, I was in a very difficult place losing my mother when she was so young. But I realize that no matter how old you or your parent is, it never gets easy. It is so hard to watch them go to doctors, specialists, etc. and not get any great answers. It is so hard watching the person who has always been strong for you get weak and/or sick. And it is hardest of all to think that the possibility of the person you always went to for advice and help may not be there. So, I pray for both my friends’ mothers – that they are only suffering minor setbacks and make a full recovery so that my girls can have their Mums around for a long, long while.

And lastly, but certainly not leastly, probably the saddest of all. The woman who took all of Colin’s newborn photos, as a kindness and donation to us because she felt so badly that we had lost our son Rogan, is Summer Lyn. And she is an amazing photographer as evidenced by her photos of Colin and many more that you can see on her website . I have followed her through the years because I think her work is amazing and although I certainly couldn’t afford to pay for her services while we are struggling with daily expenses, I still love to look at her photographs. Her brother and his wife just gave birth to a baby boy named Easton. Easton was born with Epidermolysis Bullosa- EB also known as Butterfly Disease as his skin is so fragile it cannot be touched. He was born with burns and he is constantly blistering and burning. As of now, he is undergoing surgery to have a second PICC line placed into his chest for feeding. His prognosis is terrible. My heart breaks for this family. I wish there were something more that I could do for this baby, his parents, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. How do you watch this?! How do you sit there completely unable to comfort your baby boy? How do you go home and take your other boys school shopping? How do you get up each morning and go to the hospital to watch your baby endure the horrors of bandage changing? God give them the strength to get through all of this. I don’t even know how Summer deals with the fact that she has to stay here, work and care for her own children while her brother and sister-in-law are in Cincinnati trying to save their baby. I just don’t know…..

But it does make me say prayers for all of them and so many others that are dealing with tragedies and at the same time it makes me so much more aware of the things I DO have in my life. And grateful for the good things that have come my way. And it may be a long while before I complain about not having all the things I want since I really do have all the things I need; a loving husband, a happy and healthy child and a roof over my head…

God Bless all of you….


p.s. – if you would like to donate to Baby Eastons family please go to the links on left side of my page under charities…and if you would like to view Summers work check out her link under photography – thank you!


OMG – It’s been almost a MONTH!! June 23, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — gertyrae @ 11:51 pm
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What a slacker!!

I’ve gotten over my depression in regards to “the car robbery”.

Stormy finally got spayed. I have to say that she is a MUCH better patient then Misty ever was. She’s been so good, staying in her crate, not jumping on anything or licking at her stitches and taking her meds like a champ. I am so proud of our little girl, 2 days down and 8 to go before her stitches heal.

Working on C’s birthday party – just doing favors this year, party is at a place.

Going to Connecticut next week – first time this year – SO EXCITED!

Made Dad and Dan tee shirts with C for Father’s Day – they came out cute.

We’ve had a crazy month – lot’s of fairs. Mr. Colin has developed a deep love for carnival rides. He also wants to dump thousands of dollars in “Carnie Games” but we refuse to encourage that particular habit.And what is it with the games anyway?! I know they are a part of the whole carnival theme but really?! These people could really spring for a slightly better quality of stuffed animal or toy…I refuse to spend $25 on a $3 item. Sorry Charlie!!

Training in progress for the marathon I plan on running in September – more on that later.

Took C to a couple classes at the local farm.

and last but certainly not least:

My Uncle George passed last week and he will be sorely missed. He was such an unusual man yet so open, honest and mostly so well-loved. He left behind 3 daughters who will miss him dearly. After losing my mother, I know how much it sucks to lose your parent. Thankfully, they still have their mother to help them get through but she has to deal with the loss of her husband. The funeral was so moving – they asked people to come up to the alter if they had anything to say about George and so many of his friends and relatives gave the most moving speeches about him. So, Uncle George – this one is for you. Enjoy being a “spiritual being in a spiritual world” – I loved you dearly and will truly miss you.


Mothers Day – 3 Years Later May 15, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — gertyrae @ 12:46 am
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Funny how much things change after 3 years.

3 years of somewhat maintaining this blog.

My child is almost 3 years old.

I have a child that was buried over 3 years ago.

3 years ago, I wasn’t sure if I would ever be a mother but I never thought about not having my own mother around.

And it’s been 2 years of not having a Mom on Mothers Day.

Which I think is the biggest hurt of all now.

All the things I miss about her. All the times I want to call her – for advice, for laughs, to cry, to vent or just to talk.for hours.and hours.and hours. I think about all the times Dan and I used to fight because I would come home so late from her house. What if I hadn’t spent all that time with her then? Would I regret it like I regret not seeing her in the hospital those few months between Colin’s birth and her death?

I miss her so much and although it’s not as much a forefront of my everyday life, it’s so very painful on a day like Mothers Day – and this Saturday will be her birthday. I miss the whole clan gathering at her house for the day, each of us laden with flats and flats of plants. She loved to garden, she loved her flowers so much and we all loved her so much that it boggles my mind sometimes. She was truly the center of our lives as a family. And so much has fallen by the wayside since her death. None of my siblings are the same. We are all damaged and we have all lost something of ourselves. She was truly the glue that held us together and made us whole. What was lost with her death will probably never be repaired.

I urge anyone who is an adult and still has their mother around to give her an extra hug, not on Mothers Day but every day. Tell her how much you love her. Be there for her if she needs you. Because the day will come when she is not there. No matter how much she may get on your nerves at times, she still loves you and has dedicated her life to you. The least you can give her is your time now. Hopefully, you will have her around for good long while. I was fairly lucky – I had my Mom till I was 45, my youngest sisters not so much.

I treasure all those moments I did have with her and regret all the things that were missed.

I love you Mom – I always will – you made me what I am today and I only hope to be half the “Mump” you were.





WE did it!!! May 3, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — gertyrae @ 8:35 am
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just the skin of our teeth.with not a penny to spare…..but we did it!! We made it to goal as a team. As of today I have $150 in checks to post to the March for Babies site and we are at our $2500 goal.

Can’t imagine how hard next year is going to be 😛


Okay so I’m poor… April 15, 2012

Filed under: Life — gertyrae @ 2:10 am
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…and now that I’ve gotten that off my chest I feel better. On the upside,  I think  I have accepted poverty (for now) and will just deal with it.

We are going to try to battle it a bit though. Step One – get a car that doesn’t burn so much gas. We have two trucks right now and they both average 16mpg so we are going to dump mine and get a car that will get more like 30mpg.

And I’m going to start loving cheap stuff!!! Baking for example – cheap and gratifying…and Colin loves to sample the results so it works for everyone. I really like the decorating part better than the baking. And after months of trying I have finally figured out royal icing. And I’m starting to make biscuits for the pups…hopefully better for their skin and coats.

Also, running – have decided to run a marathon this year so I’m training now. Wish me luck on this one cuz it ain’t gonna be easy. Because for me I can’t just do a marathon, I have to do a trail marathon in the hills of Connecticut. Should be interesting to say the least.

Oh – and I have to share this Colinism: sitting at dinner the other night. He’s on my lap, hugs me and says “mommy i love you, you are the best mom” then looks over at Dan and says “and daddy you are my dad and you are the best dad”…Misty comes over cuz she’s looking for scraps and Dan says “and who is that”…Colin’s response: “This is my sister Misty!” and he gives her a big hug. Totally unprompted, we never say Misty is his sister and yet she is just a part of his family…And Stormy is his pest 🙂

So that’s my update – not much else going on…


Money Changes Everything March 28, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — gertyrae @ 8:14 am
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and how I wish we had some. This is just a total vent. I don’t understand how two hard-working people can struggle like we do. I could understand if we lived “large” but we certainly don’t. We eat home every day, don’t go on trips anywhere, don’t buy expensive items – nothing like that. My husband has a few fantasy leagues that he does and that’s about it. I go to dinner with my friends for a bookclub every month or so…those are our big “expenses”. And yet, every month I’m trying to figure how to pay the mortgage and put milk in the fridge. Wishing I could give my son the small things that his parents had.

We were watching a DVD the other night that my in-laws had made up of some old 8MM movies and I was sort of astounded by the fact that they were able to afford, on one income – a summer cottage in CT, boat, 2 cars, a home in Sayville, pre-school for their FOUR children…etc, etc. One income – and my father-in-law was a fireman so we aren’t talking lawyer salary, here. Their mortgages were like $100/month. Could you imagine?! Here we are trying to struggle and pay $2500/month for our house which will never have the value increase that was seen in the past. There is no way we are selling this bad boy for even $500,000 so what happens then?! When we are ready to sell, we’ll be happy if we get back what we paid and we actually won’t get that if you figure in all the interest we’ve laid out.

And then there are all the “haves” (cuz I figure we are pretty close to “have not”). How in the world do they do it?! What banks are they robbing? I just don’t get how people can afford to do what they do. It’s so friggin expensive just to live daily life – how do you go out and buy a $500 purse?

I don’t want $500 purses. I would just love to say that I want to take my kid to Hershey Park and I can. Or Disney -hahahahaha. I would love to be able to pay my mortgage without wondering how I’m going to cover the rest of my expenses that week, put oil in the tank without worrying about how we’ll get to work, have a car that I can rely on as opposed to wondering what the next thing to go on my Santa Fe with 250,000 miles….

It’s just such a sad state of affairs that most people have to live like we do and that the middle class pretty much no longer exists. Wouldn’t it be nice if we had some kind of balance back in the world?


Wow…it’s been a long, long time…. March 21, 2009

Filed under: Life — gertyrae @ 7:12 am
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almost 6 weeks since my last update. Have no fear, I will be updating a LOT in the near future. Bedrest is approaching fast and furiously.

To update – the baby seems to be a-okay. I had a second part of the ultrascreen done and the results dropped to 1 in 40. Which was great news for me and made me start thinking about skipping the amnio. Then I went for a growth sono last week and there are no significant markers, so I opted out of the amnio. And the Drs. didn’t give me a hard time – which makes me even happier!

The baby looks great, confirmed that it is a boy. At the growth sono, the tech tried to do a Level II but had some issues seeing the stomach bladder. So, I go back on April 1st  for my true Level II and hopefully his little stomach will be full then. And they will see it, and all will be well.

My new job is working out really well. I am catching on and don’t have too many concerns regarding my ability to do this after I go back. I am actually enjoying it – I love the commute more than anything. From 90 minutes to 5 minutes – how do you beat that? We have decided on what we are going to do with the room and I’m thinking about painting the ceiling fan blades to match the bedding. I’m probably crazy, but what else am I going to do with my time, right?

And, my mom is back in the hospital. I’ve been trying to go up as much as possible, but at the same time don’t want to overdo it for myself. She is severely malnourished and they were afraid she was going to just die of malnourishment if they didn’t address it. So, they attached a feeding port last night and will start feeding her through it on Sunday. There have been a few complications – but that’s par for the course in our family….

She does look much better than she has in eons, so there’s something to that. I feel bad cuz she is hungry (they have her on a completely liquid diet), but she hasn’t vomitted in a week. This is a first for her in over a year, so I’m certainly not bringing her any food…..

Last but not least, the anniversary of Rogan’s birth/death is tomorrow. The fact that I have this new baby growing inside of me makes it a lot easier to deal with, but at the same time I’m feeling a lot of guilt for not being as sad as I think I should be. I don’t know what the right answer is….and I probably won’t really until tomorrow…but we are going to go to Church and say a prayer for our little Angel and hope that he continues to watch over his baby brother and then we will go to the cemetery and bring him some flowers, along with his little bear that I’ve been holding over the winter.



Mel’s Show and Tell November 30, 2008

Filed under: Life — gertyrae @ 8:53 pm
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Worshipping the Head

Worshipping the Head

So, I figure since everyone else seems to be posting current stuff and the weather is cold – I should interject with a lovely photo from summers’ past.

This wonderful pic was taken at the Taconic Sculpture Garden in Spencertown, NY, just off the Taconic Parkway. As you are driving north on the parkway, this head suddenly appears at the top of a hill for all to see. Upon first glance it’s sort of a shock. We saw it for a few years while going up to visit family in Kinderhook and had dubbed it “The Head”. We finally decided to go and see what “The Head” was all about. Well, after a 20 minute drive, we came to a house where there are many, many sculptures scattered across the immense property. They are in the woods, on the fields and in the gardens. Apparently, they can be bought from a Mr. Ron Kinwit who works and lives in the house.

We spent a good hour photographing ourselves amongst the various pieces and then went on our merry way….redubbing it “The Head House”



For more intriguing and interesting shows – click here for more fun


It’s Thanksgiving November 27, 2008

Filed under: Life — gertyrae @ 8:06 am
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And I know I’m supposed to be thankful for all kinds of things, and I am…but I’m more pissed that I am not celebrating my son’s first Thanksgiving…or his first Christmas or anything else. All I get to do is go to a cemetery and stare at a headstone and talk to my baby for a while. How unfair can that possibly be? After all those years of IVF’s, IUI’s and FET’s – I’m visiting a grave….while in the 2WW…it sucks and I’m so not thankful for it.

I know my husband has been wonderful through this and I know he hurts too. But sometimes, I just feel selfish and want it to be about me.

I know I should be grateful that my mother is still with us, but even with her – she’s like this shell of a person I used to know. Her whole life revolves around being sick. Part of me is sick of it and part of me cries for her and just wishes she would either get better or not. What must it be like for her to have to wake up each day and be in misery? For over a year now….

I know I should be happy that my sister is there to take care of my mother. But again, at what cost? She has no life – she wakes up every day and spends the whole day trying to make my mother feel more comfortable or give her medicine and food while my mother fights her every minute of the day. She doesn’t go anywhere or do anything because she worries that noone else will take care of our mother the way she does. I want to make her get out of the house, but I can’t force her. I worry about her sanity after all of this.

So, on this Thanksgiving morning -while I’m up by myself and before the insanity of 20 people coming to my tiny house for turkey starts I just needed to get out that I’m not truly happy or grateful for much this year. It’s been the worst year I can remember….I’m tired of death and hospitals and misery. I just want to be happy….

Oh and to top it off, Misty isn’t feeling right and she’s been off for days now so I’m really starting to worry.